Undoing an invitation can be an awkward situation. Once you’ve invited someone to an event or gathering, it can be difficult to uninvite them without causing hurt feelings or potential conflict. However, there are polite and tactful ways to uninvite someone if you’ve had a change of plans or realized it was a mistake to invite them in the first place.
Why You Might Need to Uninvite Someone
There are several reasons why you may need to rescind an invitation that you’ve already extended to someone:
- You’ve had a change in venue or date for the event, and now the guest list needs to be trimmed down.
- You extended the invitation prematurely before finalizing details, and now realize you don’t have space for this person.
- You’ve had a falling out with the person and no longer want them at your event.
- The event has shifted focus and this person is no longer a good fit.
- You’ve realized that some of your guests are incompatible and you need to uninvite one of them to avoid friction.
- You invited this person as a plus-one of another guest, and that primary guest is no longer attending.
Regardless of the reason, rescinding an invitation requires thoughtfulness and care to avoid rudeness or awkwardness. The way you approach it will depend on your relationship with the person, the nature of the event, and other factors.
How to Tactfully Uninvite Someone from an Event
If you’ve realized you need to remove someone from the guest list, here are some tips for doing it tactfully:
Give Plenty of Notice
Ideally, uninvite the person as soon as you realize you need to, well before the event date. This gives them time to make alternate plans and shows consideration.
Explain the Reason
Give them a clear, matter-of-fact reason for the change of plans. For example, “We had to move venues and now have a smaller headcount for the event,” or “The date has changed and I know you’ll be out of town that weekend.”
Apologize and Show Empathy
Sincerely apologize for any inconvenience or disappointment caused. Say that you’re sorry to have to uninvite them from something they were looking forward to.
Thank Them for Understanding
Express confidence that they will understand the situation you’re in. Say you appreciate their flexibility and hope there are no hard feelings.
Offer to Meet Another Time
If appropriate, you could offer to meet them one-on-one before or after the event. This shows you still value their company.
Don’t Make Excuses or Overexplain
There’s no need to make excuses about why they can’t come or overexplain all the details. A simple, direct reason is best.
Be Clear It’s Not Personal
If it’s a matter of headcount or venue size, emphasize that your decision is not a personal slight. Make it clear you are simply adjusting the scope of the event.
Suggest Other Ways to Be Involved
Is there a role the person could still play, even if they can’t physically be there? Offer ideas like livestreaming, giving a video toast, or looking at photos after.
Pick the Right Medium
A phone or video call is best for delivering difficult news, especially with close friends. For casual acquaintances, an email, text message, or even mailed letter can be appropriate.
Have the Conversation Privately
Only discuss the uninvitation one-on-one with the affected person. Do not announce it publicly or talk about it with others.
Exact Wording Examples for Uninviting Guests
Here are some examples of what to say when uninviting someone from an event:
For a venue change:
“I have some disappointing news. We had to change venues for the party and now the new place can only accommodate 50 guests. I’m so sorry I have to uninvite you – I was really looking forward to having you there. I hope we can get together soon for dinner or drinks to make up for it.”
For an overbooked event:
“I made a mistake in sending out too many invites before finalizing the plans. I just realized I don’t have room for you at my event next week and I feel terrible about it. Please know I appreciate your friendship and hope you can forgive me for having to rescind the invitation at the last minute.”
For uninviting a plus-one:
“I wanted to let you know that James and Ashley broke up, so she won’t be attending my wedding anymore. I’m really sorry but I won’t be able to have you as her plus-one now. This puts me in an awkward position – I hope you understand.”
For uninviting due to a conflict:
“I’ve thought more about the guest list and realized it would probably be best if you didn’t attend my graduation party. As you know, things have been strained between our families and I’m concerned it could ruin the mood. Let’s make a plan to see each other another time soon.”
For uninviting due to event changes:
“The book club meeting next Tuesday is being scaled back to core members only. I’m sorry I won’t be able to host you after all – I know you were looking forward to joining us. Once things settle down in the new year, I’ll be sure to invite you again!”
Things to Avoid When Uninviting
On the flip side, there are some ways you should not approach uninviting someone because they can come across as rude or hurtful:
- Don’t rescind the invitation over text or email unless it’s a very casual gathering. Use a more personal method.
- Don’t cite minor reasons like limited parking or not liking their food preferences.
- Don’t uninvite them publicly or announce it on social media.
- Don’t suggest they weren’t missed or weren’t a good fit to begin with.
- Don’t blame other guests for not wanting them there.
- Don’t lie about reasons. Honesty is important even if the truth is awkward.
You never want the person to feel singled out or rejected. Handle the situation with empathy, discretion, and maturity.
How the Uninvited Person Should Respond
While being uninvited can hurt, the person has a responsibility to take it gracefully. Here is the appropriate way to respond if someone rescinds your invitation:
- Thank them for personally contacting you and not just ignoring the situation.
- Be understanding about last minute changes – don’t take it as a personal slight.
- Appreciate their honesty and directness.
- Don’t place blame or make them feel guilty.
- Keep your reply brief – this is not the time to pour out hurt feelings.
- Wish them well and agree to connect at another time if offered.
- Remember that being gracious can preserve the friendship.
While it’s normal to feel disappointed, try not to burn bridges over an uninvitation. Handle it with maturity and grace.
When to Make an Exception and Re-Invite Someone
In some cases, it may make sense to reverse your decision later and re-invite the person you initially uninvited. Here are some situations where extending another invitation could be appropriate:
- After apologizing for the awkward situation, you’ve patched things up and cleared the air.
- Another guest drops out so now you have space to include this person after all.
- You decide their presence is important to you regardless of other factors.
- They graciously accepted your uninvitation, and you feel comfortable asking them again.
- The event has changed back to better accommodate them.
Use your best judgment based on your rapport with the person and how receptive you think they’ll be to a re-invitation. Make sure they don’t feel like an afterthought or last resort.
Conclusion
Rescinding an invitation is rarely fun but often necessary. With care, forethought and empathy, you can uninvite someone while preserving your relationships and integrity. Keep the conversation discreet, thoughtful and considerate. Don’t discuss it unnecessarily with others or on social media. If handled maturely by both parties, an uninvitation doesn’t have to spell disaster for your friendship.