Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences we go through in life. When someone close to us dies, it can turn our world upside down emotionally. During this painful time, one of the responsibilities that often falls upon us is having to share the sad news with others. This may include close family and friends, more distant relatives, coworkers, or even acquaintances.
Sharing such unhappy news is never easy or comfortable. It’s natural to feel unsure about how to handle these sensitive conversations. How do you find the right words? What details should you include? How much emotion should you show? Should you share the news over the phone, in person, via text or email? There are no absolute right or wrong answers, as each situation and relationship is unique. However, the following guidance on how to sensitively relay the difficult news of a death may help.
How to Share the News
First off, before sharing the sad news, make sure you have all the key facts confirmed yourself. These include the person who died, when they died, the cause of death if known, and funeral or memorial service plans if set. Verify the information first to avoid passing along any inaccuracies later.
Next, assess your relationship to the deceased and the recipient. If the loss is very recent, you may still be in a state of grief and shock yourself. Take time to process your own emotions first before trying to support others. Also consider how close the news recipient was to the deceased. Someone very close like a spouse, child or lifelong friend may be hit harder by the loss than a more distant relative or coworker.
When ready to share the news, tailor your approach based on the relationship. For immediate family and very close friends, telling them face-to-face or over the phone allows you to have an open conversation and provide comfort directly. For more distant contacts like long-lost relatives or coworkers who didn’t interact with the deceased daily, a written message like email, text or letter may be more appropriate as the loss may not impact them as profoundly.
Phone Call
If sharing the news over the phone, try to prepare yourself mentally before making the call. Have compassion for the recipient as this may be very upsetting news for them to hear. When they answer, ask if they have a few minutes to talk about something serious. This helps shift them into the right mindset.
Use a gentle tone and steady pace when speaking. Say something simple like, “I’m so sorry, but I have some very sad news to share.” Then identify the person who died and when, providing basic factual information first. Pause to allow the recipient to react and ask any clarifying questions.
Some people may feel too overwhelmed to talk long after the initial news, so gauge their response. If they need to get off the phone quickly, offer your support, express how sorry you are for their loss, and say you’re available to talk further later when they’re ready. Reassure them it’s okay to take time to process the news.
In Person
Delivering the difficult news in person can feel intimidating. You may worry about getting upset yourself or seeing the recipient’s visible heartbreak and pain. But being there in person shows your care and support. If possible, meet at the recipient’s home or another private location where you can sit down together quietly.
When sharing the news face-to-face, make comfortable eye contact and speak gently. Use the deceased’s name when identifying them right away rather than saying “someone close to you.” This avoids confusion. Again after breaking the sad news, pause to give the recipient time to absorb it. Offer a box of tissues in case they need them.
Stay present rather than rushing to leave. Let the person express whatever emotions or questions come up. Crying together is natural. Offer a hug, hold their hand, or rub their back to help comfort them. Even just your company and willingness to listen without judgement helps.
Written Message
At times written communication may be the only option or most appropriate for more distant contacts. The news should still be handled thoughtfully and sensitively. Whether sending an email, text or letter, personalize the message by addressing them directly, using their name.
Get right to the point gently and clearly. For example, “Dear James, I am so sad to tell you that my brother Alex passed away last night.” Share just the key facts around who died and when. While you may want to include details about how the death occurred, this information can wait for later discussions unless asked directly.
Express your own sorrow and sympathy for their loss. Offer to make yourself available for any questions and to further support them during this difficult period. Include your phone number, email address or even offer to meet in person. If the deceased had a large extended family or community, you may want to share funeral service plans if established. State that you understand this may be very upsetting news to hear, and that you are thinking of them as they grieve.
What to Say
Beyond the simple news itself, people will look to you for reassurance as they absorb and react to the devastating loss. The right words can provide some comfort, while the wrong ones may unintentionally hurt or annoy during such a sensitive time. Avoid certain unhelpful phrases, and aim for language that shows your compassion.
What Not to Say
Clichéd expressions that are frequently used after a death, however well-meaning, often ring hollow or imply that the grief should be hurried along. Avoid the following types of remarks:
– “I know exactly how you feel.” Each relationship and loss is unique, so you cannot truly know how someone else feels. This may seem dismissive of their pain.
– “It was just his/her time to go.” This platitude suggests the death was inevitable or should be easily accepted.
– “At least they’re no longer in pain.” While meant to highlight a silver lining, this comment negates the sorrow of the loss.
– “They’re in a better place now.” Not everyone shares the same religious or spiritual views of the afterlife, so this assumption may not bring comfort.
– “The grief will pass, you’ll feel better soon.” A timeline telling mourners when they should recover invalidates the grieving process.
– “Let me know how I can help.” This puts the burden on the grieving person to identify needed support. They may not have the emotional bandwidth for this yet.
– “Everything happens for a reason.” There is little solace in platitudes about finding purpose in loss.
– “I know how you can move on…” Suggesting ways to recover too soon comes across as dismissive.
What to Say Instead
Alternatively, consider making simple statements to show concern, offer comfort, normalize grief, and demonstrate willingness to support the mourner. Some supportive phrases include:
– “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Expressing sorrow and condolences is probably the most meaningful sentiment.
– “My heart breaks for you.” This communicates that you genuinely share in their grief.
– “This must be so hard right now.” Validating how difficult losing their loved one is provides empathy.
– “It’s okay to feel however you feel.” Grief comes with a range of complex emotions. This gives them permission to grieve in their own way.
– “What can I do for you?” Offer tangible help like bringing food, helping with funeral arrangements, cleaning their home, running errands etc.
– “Please let me know if you need anything at all.” Reinforce your availability without making demands.
– “I’m here if you ever want to talk or just need company.” Offer to listen without judgement when they’re ready.
– “What is your favorite memory with them?” Allowing the mourner to reminisce shows you care to hear more about their meaningful relationship with the deceased.
– “Take all the time you need.” Remind them not to feel pressured by any timelines.
The most appropriate sentiments convey sympathy, care, understanding, patience and a willingness to help mourners through their grief in whatever ways would be meaningful to them.
Things to Avoid
When sharing difficult news about the death of a loved one, there are some common pitfalls to avoid during the sensitive conversation:
Don’t Delay
It may be tempting to put off the painful task of informing people, but they should hear the news directly from you or another close contact. Hearing it indirectly through the grapevine can make the experience even harder.
Don’t Share on Social Media First
Posting the news through an impersonal public platform like social media before informing family and friends can seem insensitive. Direct contact is usually more appropriate.
Don’t Go Into Excessive Detail About How the Death Occurred
While you can share some details if asked, going into lengthy descriptions of accident or medical details may be disturbing unnecessarily. Keep it simple at first.
Don’t Tell People to Move On or Get Over It
Comments that minimize grief or seem to rush mourners through it will not help. Everyone grieves differently; allow them space to express grief in their own way.
Don’t Make It About You
Keep the focus on sharing details about the deceased and supporting the mourner. It’s not the time to vent about your own troubles.
Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice
Suggesting ways for mourners to recover or sharing platitudes about grief can seem dismissive. Offer support rather than instructing them.
Don’t Share Unverified Details
Confirm the essential facts around the death before informing others. Sharing wrong information adds distress.
Don’t Neglect Sending Condolences Later Too
After the initial news, follow up periodically to keep supporting the mourners over the longer grieving process if you were close to them or the deceased.
Supporting the Grieving
The news of a death starts the mourning process. But grief does not end after delivering the initial news. Be sure to continue supporting the deceased’s loved ones through the difficult times ahead.
Expected Reactions
People often go through some common stages of grief, though the process is nonlinear and unique for everyone:
– Shock and denial – Typically an initial numbness or disbelief. “This can’t be real.”
– Pain and guilt – Deep sorrow, remorse, regret over things unsaid or undone. Crying, sleep issues.
– Anger – Frustration with the death itself or circumstances/people around it. Seeking blame.
– Depression – Overwhelming sadness, isolation, negativity, hopelessness.
– Acceptance – Gradual adjustment to life after loss. Interest in activities returns.
Ways to Help
You can provide continuous care and comfort to the bereaved in various meaningful ways:
– Listen without judgement when they need to talk or vent emotions
– Offer practical help with funeral/memorial planning, cleaning, meals, errands etc.
– Share happy memories and look at photos of the deceased if they wish
– Spend time together in any way that feels comforting – talking, sitting quietly, taking a walk
– Avoid telling them how they “should” grieve. There is no one right way
– Reach out periodically even after the funeral is over. Grief lasts much longer.
– Suggest a grief support group if they are interested but reluctant to reach out themselves
Ongoing acts of compassion, without expectation or time limit, will help mourners process their loss in time.
Explaining Death to Children
If young children are impacted by the loss, they will likely have questions and reactions that need to be handled appropriately for their age. Be honest but filter information based on their developmental level.
Common Reactions by Age
– Toddlers – Confusion, regression like bedwetting, clinginess. Limited ability to understand permanence.
– Preschoolers – Magical thinking. May view death as reversible or preventable. Anxiety about other loved ones dying.
– Early Elementary – Concrete questions. Still difficulty grasping universal concept of death. Fear of abandonment.
– Late Elementary – Understanding death is final. Concerns about personal safety and if they caused the death. Withdrawal.
– Early Teens – Recognition it happens to everyone. Reflection on life’s meaning. Risk of guilt, depression or risky behaviors.
Guidelines for Discussing
Use these tips to have an open, reassuring discussion suited to their maturity level:
– Use simple, direct language rather than euphemisms that can confuse. Say “died” rather than “went to sleep.”
– Allow expression through play or art to process the complex emotions they may not discuss.
– Answer questions honestly at their level. Don’t volunteer disturbing details unprompted.
– Reassure them of their ongoing safety and security. Ensure caretakers will still be there.
– Allow them to participate in mourning activities but give choices if they hesitate.
– Provide extra comfort through routines, hugs, supporting relationships.
– Watch for signs of prolonged distress like trouble in school or with peers. Seek counseling if needed.
With patience and compassion, you can help children understand death in a way they can handle while providing reassurance as they grieve in their own way.
Conclusion
Having to be the bearer of sad news about the death of someone’s loved one is a difficult position to be in. Whether you share the details in person, over the phone, or through writing, aim to deliver the news with empathy, sensitivity, and care. Offer sincere condolences and provide heartfelt support as the recipients grieve, remembering there is no one right way or timeline. With compassion and open communication tailored to the relationship and setting, you can ensure the devastating news is conveyed in the most humane way possible.