Being unfriended on Facebook can be an upsetting experience. Facebook has become a large part of many people’s lives and connections. When someone you considered a friend disconnects from you on the platform, it can leave you feeling rejected, hurt or confused. There are many reasons why someone may unfriend you on Facebook, some due to benign reasons, and others due to more hurtful motivations. Whatever the cause, it is normal to feel a sense of loss when someone unfriends you. However, there are healthy and constructive ways to process the unfriending and move forward. Here are some tips on how to handle the situation.
Why Did They Unfriend You?
When noticing that someone has unfriended you on Facebook, it is natural to immediately wonder why. There are a number of reasons why someone may have done it:
- They are cutting down their friends list and removing people they do not interact with regularly.
- The friendship has naturally faded and they did not see the need to remain connected on Facebook.
- You posted something they profoundly disagreed with or were offended by.
- The person is jealous of your life in some way.
- Political differences have come between your friendship.
- They are cutting ties after a friendship ending argument or falling out.
- Mistakenly removed you when intending to remove someone else.
- They want to create distance in the relationship or “send a message”.
As you can see from just some of these examples, the motivations can range from incidental reasons to purposeful intentions to hurt. Before reacting, it is helpful to consider why the person may have unfriended you. If your friendship ended acrimoniously, that provides a very different context than someone casually cutting their friends list for other reasons without targeting you specifically.
Should You Reach Out?
Once unfriended, one of the first impulses can be to immediately reach out to the person and ask why. However, this may not always be the best choice. Here are some key considerations on whether to contact them:
- Will reaching out lead to a productive discussion and understanding, or simply more conflict?
- Do you remain close contacts outside of Facebook such that a discussion would be fairly easy to have?
- Is this person generally confrontational or avoids direct conflict?
- How emotionally invested are you in this particular friend’s decision?
- Are there mutual friends who may be able to provide insight on their motivations?
If based on these factors you do not think a conversation will be constructive, it may be better not to reach out. With some friends, it may be worthwhile to communicate that you noticed the unfriending and are available to talk if they would like. However, be careful not to come across as demanding or guilt-tripping. The decision to reach out or not can depend heavily on the nature of your friendship.
Reflect On Your Online Behavior
Another productive step is self-reflection on what may have motivated the unfriending. Review your past posts and interactions with that friend. Could something have been misconstrued or offensive without you realizing? Are there arguments or misunderstandings that need airing out? Even if you feel you did nothing wrong, a period of self-reflection allows you to check if you could improve any of your habits or communication styles online. If you frequently rant about topics, share overly personal details or post negativity, those could be turn-offs.
Manage Your Emotional Response
It is natural to feel a range of emotions after being unfriended, such as:
- Hurt
- Rejection
- Anger
- Confusion
- Loneliness from losing a connection
These feelings are normal, but should not completely overtake your life. Do not ruminate endlessly on the action, or sacrifice your self-esteem over it. A single unfriending does not determine your value as a person. Seek support from other friends and focus your thoughts on your positive qualities.
Regain Perspective on Facebook
For all its benefits in connecting people, Facebook also distorts perceptions. Having hundreds of Facebook friends gives an inflated sense of connection. Yet many of these links are superficial. The average user actually regularly interacts with only a handful of those friends. Losing one friendship tie on Facebook does not equate losing meaningful support. Reflect on your most valued friendships – the deep ones are likely occurring off of social media.
Should You Unfriend Them Back?
Seeing the notification that someone has unfriended you on Facebook can feel like a blow to your ego. In an attempt to regain control, you may be tempted to immediately unfriend or block them back. However, reactively unfriending them will not positively resolve anything. It could simply breed more animosity on both sides. The higher road is to take the high road, and not stoop to the same behavior. If you feel the need to create distance from this person, you can unfollow their posts without the dramatics of unfriending. Give yourself time to cool down before taking any permanent actions.
Cultivate Other Social Connections
One of the best antidotes to the sting of a friend disconnecting on Facebook is to focus your energy on other relationships. Start conversations with old friends you want to catch up with. Meet new people through classes, clubs and social events. Strengthen bonds with family members. Throwing your energy into fostering positivity in both new and existing relationships helps keep perspective that an individual Facebook unfriending does not define your social life.
Conclusion
Being unfriended on Facebook can certainly deliver a blow to your confidence and make you feel excluded or alienated from that friend. However, refrain from assuming their motivations or jumping to negative conclusions. Take time for inner reflection and self-care, but also continue nurturing the good relationships with friends and family in your outer circle. Maintain perspective that Facebook does not encapsulate the entirety of human connection. With balanced rational thought and focusing energy in a positive direction, it is possible to healthily move on from the removal of a Facebook friend.