Unfriending someone on social media platforms like Facebook is a common occurrence these days. People unfriend others for a variety of reasons – some do it to take a break from certain people or drama, some do it because they just don’t interact much anymore, and some do it because of a major disagreement or fallout. But one question that often comes up is – if you unfriend someone, can you still message them?
What happens when you unfriend someone?
When you unfriend or unfollow someone on Facebook, it severs the direct connection between you and that person. You will no longer see their posts, photos, or updates in your News Feed. Likewise, they will no longer see anything you post either. Your names will be removed from each other’s friends lists. Essentially, unfriending makes it so you and that person are no longer connected on Facebook in any way.
You stop seeing each other’s posts
Once you unfriend someone, their posts and photos will instantly disappear from your News Feed, and your posts and photos will disappear from theirs. It’s as if you are no longer Facebook friends at all.
Your names are removed as friends
Unfriending someone mutually removes your names from each other’s friends lists. You will no longer appear on their list of Facebook friends, and vice versa.
No notifications about each other’s activities
When you are Facebook friends with someone, you can get notifications about their activities – when they post, comment, get tagged in a photo, add new friends, change their relationship status, etc. But once you unfriend, you will stop getting any notifications about that person’s Facebook activity.
Can you message someone you’ve unfriended?
Even if you unfriend someone on Facebook, you can still send them a message – but it comes with a few caveats. Here is what happens when you try to message someone you have unfriended:
You can still message them
The act of unfriending does not completely block messaging capabilities. If you want to send them a message, you still can.
Your message goes to their “Message Requests” folder
However, your message will not go directly to their main inbox like a normal message would. Instead, it will be sent to the “Message Requests” folder, which holds messages from non-friends.
They have to accept it before it’s visible
For the unfriended person to actually see your message, they will have to actively go to their Message Requests folder and accept the message request first. Only then will your message be moved to their main inbox.
You can only message once
If the person does not accept your message request, you will not be able to send them additional messages. Facebook only allows one message request per unfriended person.
They can ignore it or delete it
And of course, there is nothing requiring the unfriended person to ever look at or accept the message request. They can simply ignore it and let it sit in the Message Requests folder, or delete it outright.
Why your messages go to Message Requests after unfriending
Facebook created the Message Requests feature and routing system as a way to limit unwanted messages from strangers and non-friends. Here’s a closer look at why unfriended messages get sent this way:
Prevents harassment from unfriended people
Without Message Requests, unfriending someone would do nothing to actually stop them from contacting you. Directing messages from unfriends to Message Requests makes it so the recipient has to actively accept them first before seeing them.
Gives more control over unsolicited messages
Message Requests puts recipients back in control of who can message them. Unwanted messages from unfriended people do not end up in the main inbox. Users have to intentionally approve Message Requests to engage.
Encourages reconsidering unfriended connections
In a way, Message Requests creates a buffer zone where both parties can reconsider reaching out. Rather than truly blocking messages, it gives an intermediary option.
When can you message an unfriended person?
There are some special cases and exceptions where you can message someone normally even after unfriending them:
In the same Facebook group
If you and the unfriended person are both still members of the same Facebook group, you can exchange messages within the group normally.
Pages you both follow
You can also message each other on the page of any Facebook Page you both actively follow and interact with.
Using Messenger without Facebook
If you remain connected on Messenger but not Facebook, you can still message as normal through the Messenger app.
Other ways to reach an unfriended person
If you really need to get in touch with someone you’ve unfriended on Facebook, you have a few other options beyond normal messaging and Message Requests:
Send them a friend request
You can send the person a new friend request and reconnect your Facebook profiles. If they accept, you can message freely again.
Use a mutual Facebook friend
Ask a mutual friend who is still connected to the person on Facebook to pass along a message on your behalf.
Message them on another platform
Try reaching out to them through text, email, or another social media site like Instagram where you may still be connected.
Use secondary accounts
Some use spare Facebook accounts not connected to the person to send them a message that way.
Tips for messaging unfriended people
If you need to get in touch with someone after unfriending, here are some tips to improve your chances of response:
Keep it polite and respectful
Your message is more likely to be accepted if it’s sincere and thoughtful, not confrontational or aggressive.
Acknowledge you unfriended them
Be upfront that you unfriended them previously and briefly explain why if needed.
Focus on resolving the issue
Emphasize that your goal is to make amends or clear the air – not restart drama.
Suggest another communication method
Propose following up in a different way, like over the phone or in person.
Don’t make demands
Avoid language that pressures them to respond – keep it relaxed.
Follow up if needed
Check back in a week or so if you don’t hear back, but avoid pestering them.
Pros of messaging after unfriending
Reaching out to an unfriended connection can have benefits if done thoughtfully. Some potential pros include:
Reconciliation
It allows the opportunity to mend broken ties, clear up misunderstandings, and potentially become Facebook friends again.
Closure
Even if the relationship can’t be fully restored, messaging can provide closure after a fallout.
Apologies
Sending a sincere apology message lets you take accountability for your part in what went wrong.
Explanations
You can explain the reasons behind unfriending from your perspective.
Civility
Extending an olive branch maintains some level of manners and humanity after an unfriending.
Cons of messaging after unfriending
However, there are also potential downsides to consider when messaging someone post-unfriend, such as:
Seems desperate
Messaging an unfriend can come across as needy or clingy.
Mixed signals
You unfriended them for a reason – contacting them anyway sends confusing signals about your intentions.
Drama
Messaging often reopens old wounds and leads to airing grievances back and forth.
Pushiness
Pestering someone who doesn’t want to hear from you seems disrespectful.
Breaks No Contact
After an especially toxic relationship, No Contact is healthiest – messaging undoes that boundary.
False hope
They may not respond at all or reconciliation could fail, leaving you feeling worse.
When is it appropriate to message an unfriend?
Given the complexities, when is it actually appropriate to message someone after unfriending them?
You have a legitimate reason
Not just an impulsive whim, but an important or timely issue that warrants it.
Sufficient time has passed
Enough time has gone by for hot emotions to dissipate so the message comes from a calm place.
The relationship was generally positive
Mostly fond feelings toward the person remain despite the unfriending incident.
You take responsibility
You take ownership for your role in the breakdown and unfriending.
You respect any response
Whether you receive a positive or negative reply, or none at all, you handle it with maturity.
Alternatives to messaging unfriends
Rather than messaging someone who has unfriended you (or vice versa), in many cases it may be better to explore these alternatives:
Reflect on what happened
Take time to process your emotions and think about what factors led to the unfriending.
Discuss with neutral parties
Vent to and get perspective from unbiased friends or family members.
Focus on other relationships
Direct energy toward nurturing positive connections with people who uplift you.
Practice self-care
Do healthy activities that help you relieve stress and feel empowered.
Forgive and move on
Work on letting go of resentment and pain from the experience to fully move forward.
Can you message an unfollower on Instagram?
The same general concept applies on Instagram as well. If someone unfollows you on Instagram, you can still send them a message, with a few caveats:
Your message goes to Message Requests
Just like Facebook, any message you send to someone who doesn’t follow you on Instagram will go to their Message Requests folder rather than the main inbox.
They must approve it to see it
In order for them to actually view the message, they will have to open Message Requests and actively accept your message request.
DM limits apply
Instagram limits the number of message requests you can send within a certain time period, so you can’t bombard them.
Easier to ignore
It can be easier to disregard Instagram message requests since many people don’t check that folder regularly.
Key Takeaways
Here are some key points to remember about messaging someone who has unfriended or unfollowed you:
- You can still message unfriends on Facebook and unfollowers on Instagram, but your messages will go to their Message Requests folders rather than their inboxes.
- They have to actively accept your Message Request for them to actually see your message.
- Think carefully before reaching out to unfriended people – it can reopen old wounds or seem clingy.
- Focus the message on reconciliation and taking responsibility. Avoid pressure or drama.
- In many cases, it’s healthier not to message unfriends and to move on instead.
The Bottom Line
Unfriending or unfollowing someone on social media does not completely prevent you from messaging them – but it does create barriers. Any message will go to a pending state rather than their main inbox. And ultimately, there is no guarantee the person will even see or accept the message. Proceed thoughtfully, with reasonable expectations.